For someone who doesn’t touch alcohol (due to its immediate “I want to poke out both my eyes” inducing migraine effects) I’m actually kind of good at inventing drinking games. Back in the day when I was in a church choir, I invented one called “Catch that Catch-Phrase” in which everyone was supposed to drink when our minister uttered one of his all-too-often used catchphrases, such as “In [_insert name or the word “my”_] life and faith journey…” or any of the rhyming phrases that appeared in the sermon title.
But tonight is a very special night. Ten GOP candidates will be in Cleveland, Ohio, for the first Republican debate:
- Donald Trump
- Jeb Bush
- Scott Walker
- Marco Rubio
- Mike Huckabee
- Ted Cruz
- Ben Carson (who?)
- Chris Christie
- John Kasich (again, who?)
- Rand Paul
Of course, while the names add up to ten, I am going to assert that this is all sleight of hand, and that there aren’t really ten people here, as some of them are really the same person. I guess my theory will be debunked tonight? No. If people can watch the lunar landing and believe that was a staged hoax, I can stand by my conspiracy theory and say that it’s done much in the same way The Parent Trap was filmed.
So here are the rules of Republican Debate: the Drinking Game (caution – may cause alcohol poisoning):
First: Each participant will need the following drinks set out in front of them on the table:
One (1) 32 ounce cup of water. One (1) 12 oz. bottle of beer. (Or a solo cup filled from a keg will work if you’re on a budget.) The beer must be replaced when consumed. One (1) shot glass filled with vodka (Keep a bottle or two handy for refills), One (1) shot glass filled with tequila (again, keep a bottle handy), One (1) glass of Long Island Iced Tea (for the tea party). One (1) glass of red wine. (Yes, it has to be red.) Three (3) solo cups filled 3/4 of the way each with a mixture of Metamucil and Orange Juice. One (1) Bloody Mary. One (1) lighter.
Ten candidates, ten drinks in front of you, ten rules.
- Take a sip of WATER every time God is mentioned. It will keep you hydrated, and part of the challenge of this game is a “Bladder Bust” component. Anyone leaving the room to use the bathroom during the debate will be eliminated from the game, and when they re-enter the room, everyone has to point at them and say in their best Donald Trump voice, “You’re FIRED!” If everyone has to use the bathroom by the time they get to the fifth candidate to speak, the game resets. (We’ll call this the Magic Fifth rule.)
- Every time a candidate brings up abortion, everyone takes a sip of the Bloody Mary. You do not have to refill the Bloody Mary when it is all gone.
- When a candidate mentions Jesus, Biblical values, or Christian heritage, take a big swig of wine.
- If a candidate mentions “Fair tax,” take a giant gulp of the Long Island Iced Tea.
- Any time a candidate puts a positive spin on rape, dump a shot of Vodka in one of your Metamucil mix cups (consider it a fucked up screwdriver) and drink three gulps in a symbolic gesture of how badly these pricks want to screw women out of person-hood. It doesn’t matter which cup of Metamucil orange juice – the fun of this is that each time it happens, more of the drink becomes poisoned in a cumulative effect, so that you are building stronger screw drivers each time.
- If any candidate mentions “Joe the Plumber,” everyone must drink half of their beer. Refill only if the beer is empty.
- Every time Jeb Bush mentions his brother, George, everyone has to drink their entire beer and then get another bottle/refill.
- If a candidate mentions immigration, take a small sip of tequila. If they accuse immigrants of ruining our country, drink the entire shot.
- If a candidate promotes “trickle down” economics, take a sip of any drink of your choice, but then let it trickle out of your mouth and down your shirt.
- Any time a candidate calls to end Social Security, Medicare, the Affordable Care Act, or any of the social “insurance” programs, it’s time for a “We’re going down in flames!” shot using the vodka and lighter.
Have fun, and please try not to burn your house down.
Edited to add a variation:
Play with ten people, have each pick a candidate to “sponsor” and see who gets the drunkest. But everybody still has to do the water thing in rule 1 for ALL candidates.