The Holy Bible, Phil Robertson version

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The King James Version of the Holy Bible is once again being revised, with the new revision scheduled to be released some time in the fall of 2017. This new edition will be known as the Phil Robertson Version.

The new Bible will be more appealing to the modern day conservative, and is being created for those who struggle with the out-of-date language of the KJV, but who believe that the New International Version is for those damned Mexicans who keep sneaking across the border.

Some of the more user friendly changes include:

  • The Antichrist in the Book of Revelation will now be referred to as “Obama.”
  • The Virgin Mary will be replaced with “Joseph’s Little Wife.”
  • The term “Leprosy” will now be referred to as “Poverty.”
  • The Sermon on the Mount and the Beatitudes will be removed.
  • An appendix will be added to the story of Cain and Abel explaining why God values carnivores more than vegetarians.
  • Ronald Reagan will replace John the Baptist.

In addition to the new terms, the language of the book will be made simpler, more appealing to the folks living in “God’s Country.” Phrases like “Ya’ll”, “Fixin’ to” and other down-to-earth lingo can be expected.

Finally, the entire Bible will now be illustrated for those who are unable to achieve the level of literacy required to read and analyze the Holy Bible.


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