One day I’ll fly away

I remember the moment I first admitted to myself that I wanted a divorce. I had just come out of a marriage therapy session in which I was there in person, he was phoning in from Afghanistan, and we had an assignment to list our needs. I got into my van (alone) and I thought, “I only need one thing, like the country song – D-I-V-O-R-C-E.” I laughed a little, and then I said it, softly. “I want a divorce.” Then I spoke the words a little bit louder. “I want a divorce!” Finally, I shouted, “I WANT A DIVORCE!” I was laughing and crying at the same time, but it was such a relief. I felt like I needed some sort of sign. I turned on the radio. I caught the very end of a Pink song, “U + Ur Hand.” It ended all too quickly, and John Mayer’s “Wonderland” came on – a song I had actually kind of hated… It took me a minute to think of what it was about that song – the line “I’ll use my hands” always bugged me for some reason.

Then it came in a flash. It was in my hands. It’s funny how music speaks to us, isn’t it? And more, how sometimes a big change can begin with a few words.

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