Weird Wednesday – Dolls, not suitable for children

Okay, folks, it’s Weird Wednesday again, and thank you to Rachel Being Chatty for reminding me of something that has been on the back of my brain for a few weeks… Dolls. Not just dolls. Dolls that should never have been created.

My mother’s favorite episode of the Twilight Zone was always the episode with “Talking Tina.” The basic synopsis was: Mom gets her little girl a talking doll. Mom’s new husband, the mean step-father, doesn’t like the doll, and finds it kind of creepy. The doll, sensing the step-father’s hostility, starts saying creepy things to the step-father. All out war ensues, with the step-father trying to destroy the doll, but the doll ultimately kills the step-father, making it look like an accident.

Fast forward to Christmas 2006… On the top of my daughter’s wish list was “Amazing Allysen.”

Here is my review of not-so-amazing Allysen:

Despite numerous battery changes, Allysen died a rather frightening death. First she made some really scary faces, then she just stopped, her face frozen in one of the rather creepy faces. Yes, she was somewhat fun for my daughter while she lasted, although her sensors didn’t work very well. We constantly had to repeat commands, etc., and she would just say, “Wha…?” Also, Allysen has a rather limited range of subjects. She’ll talk about her cell phone calls, hair styles, and parties. Hmmm… remind you of anyone?

Also, unlike a computer connected talking Winnie the Pooh that came out about five years earlier, Allysen can NOT learn your child’s name. She has about four or five “nicknames” from which your child may pick.

All in all, I would recommend the doll ONLY if you can find it at about 1/5 its normal resale price, and ONLY if your child is not prone to nightmares in the event that the toy malfunctions.

“Okay, this is a little weird,” you’re thinking, “but it’s nothing over the top. We’ve all seen creepy kid’s toys. This isn’t weird enough…”

You’re right. It’s not weird enough. Not for a Weird Wednesday post. And neither is this, although it’s quite bizarre:

Nah, this isn’t much worse than looking at old photos of JonBenet Ramsey or watching Here Comes Honey Boo Boo as we imagine she would be, all grown up.

When I read Rachel Being Chatty’s Terrible Inventions blog, I immediately thought of an anecdote someone told me about the worst date she’d ever been on. Apparently, she met the same types of people I did.

They were having dinner at his place, and things were going fine, up until she went to use the restroom in his apartment. She accidentally opened the closet door and saw an unconscious naked woman on the floor of his closet. Oh, wait, it wasn’t really a woman… It was a very expensive, life-like sex doll. Anyway, she told him she had a headache and flagged down the first cab she could find. As she got into the cab, he asked, “Is this about that sex doll in my closet?”

They made a movie about something like this. It’s called Lars and the Real Girl. Yes, it’s funny and weird, but it’s also kind of sad.

But here’s the thing, technology being what it is, we have advanced past the point of some life-like silent silicone doll that doesn’t move or talk on its own. Now, someone has invented the True Companion™. Roxxy is “always turned on and ready to talk or play.” And yes, there is a Rocky for the ladies or the men who swing the other way…

Before I moved to Florida, when I was preparing to go through divorce, in one of our emails back and forth, the fundamentalist ex made some sort of comment that basically implied that if I left him he would immediately go out and find someone better. I think he thought that was a threat, but I found it to be rather a relief, as well as a source of amusement. We tried to imagine the Duggar-like woman (See TLC’s 19 Kids and Counting if you don’t get the reference) who would make him the happiest of men. But he’d have the taint of divorce…

Back in the day, I tried to read a “Christian Romance” novel. I don’t know why… I just did. I didn’t particularly like romance novels anyway – I find that they mostly use repetition and formula for the romance scenes, they might as well all be the same sex scene. The sex scenes in Christian Romance novels are still there, they are just reworded and turned into “Find Jesus” scenes in which one of the characters finds elusive Jesus and gets right with God. They are every bit as formulaic as a sex scene. When you’ve read one, you’ve read them all…

So where am I going with this? What the hell is my point? I shared that lovely email with a couple of close friends. We were hysterical thinking about it, and someone pointed out that he could always buy Roxxy. But Roxxy would have been too naughty. He needed the Fundamentalist Version… Let’s give her a new name, shall we? We’ll even give her a “J” name so she can fit in with the Duggars. How about Jezzebelle?

I can’t make a video, but here is the script of the voice-over I would create. Jezzebelle would be the sex robot dressed in Menonite style clothing.

God, in his all-knowing glory, has made someone for everyone. But what about when your someone has fallen victim to free will and died? Who will be there for you then?

God needed a little help from the creators of Living Word Dolls. With inspiration from the Holy Spirit, Living Word Dolls has created “Jezzebelle,” just for you.

Jezzebelle is there for you, always turned on and ready to pray with you. But like any good woman, she knows when to hold her tongue and remain silent. The perfect blend of beauty and submission, she is the truest companion.

Pre-programmed to praise the name of Jesus, Jezzebelle knows all the standard hymns, from Amazing Grace to I am Filled with His Love. She can pray with you.

[[Voice clip of doll saying “Oh Lord Jesus, I pray that you come quickly inside me, and fill me with your everloving Holy Spirit.”]]

Why wait for the perfect woman? Women are all seductresses anyway. Why not bring home your True Companion, your own Living Word Doll today?

Okay, I’m still working out a few “kinks” with this one. But it’s a start.

Yeah, I know, I'm going to Hell...
Yeah, I know, I’m going to Hell…
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