YAY! We’re on What the F#ck?! Wednesday again! And it’s my long week, and I have today off, and when I was thinking about weird news that I could dig up, one my mother brought to my attention last year immediately popped into my head:
I’ll give you a little snippet right here on my page:
Let’s dissect this a little, shall we? This 42 year old woman took a hacksaw to her neighbor’s body and tried to cook away evidence of his existence. A hacksaw. One of these:
Have you ever used one of these? I have. To cut wood. (Yes, wood… um… Yeah.) It took FOREVER to saw through a little piece of wood. I can’t imagine trying to saw through BODY PARTS. But she did. in a kiddie pool. In her garage. The day after she murdered him.
Then she put one leg in the oven, and the other parts into pots in some demented attempt to cremate him.
The story is very confusing in general. It never states why, but the killer and victim were involved in some sort of financial relationship in which she was helping him with his SSD check, and they had a joint account which he had overdrawn. He also asked to borrow some money. So it all boils down to money. Boils… Ah, back to the cooking part.
My favorite line from the entire story:
Stoldt’s house in Deltona smelled of burning flesh, but she assured her daughter it was just a rat broiling in the oven…
Um… Wait. What?!
“Hey Mom, the house smells horrible. Can we move?”
“No, dear, don’t worry. I’m just broiling up some rat. We’ll just spray a little Febreeze and it’ll clear right up.”
“Aw, MOM! You know how much I hate your broiled rat!”
Have you ever smelled dead rat? I have. When we lived on Long Island, we managed to get rats in our basement one year. They aren’t easy to get rid of, especially when you do it on your own, with traps and poisons and such. At the time, the basement was filled with rotting boxes full of water-damaged papers that I was “not allowed” to throw away. Where are you hiding, little rats?
My first attempt to solve the problem was to put out traps. Glue traps, to be more precise, because the metal ones freak me out. I put out several, only to discover them moved, with clumps of hair stuck to them… That wasn’t freaky or anything… So I put poison packets where I knew the rats would find them, and sure enough, they did.
I remember walking in the door thinking, “Weird. The house smells like bug spray.” Then I would realize, I hadn’t sprayed. Then it would hit me… That was something dead.
When I was lucky, I could actually find the rat, so I could pick it up and remove it. I still shudder remembering one of those occasions. It was in the basement crawl space, about eye level, behind the gas water heater. My first inclination was to take the dustpan and broom and scoop it, then dump it into a garbage bag and get it out as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, it was stiff and at an awkward angle, and I couldn’t maneuver it into the dustpan.
I wound up having to take the garbage bag, flip it inside out and pick up the rat with my hands only covered by trash bag. Now, I’m really not a dancer. But if someone had filmed me trying to collect that dead rat and set the video to music like some of those “Songify” videos, that shit would have gone viral. People would have been watching Katie do the “Dead rat” dance over and over, laughing themselves into asthma attacks.
WHO THE HELL COOKS RAT?! Oh, wait, it’s worse, it wasn’t even rat, IT WAS PEOPLE.
Okay, so… back to the weird story. He wants to borrow more money, after overdrawing the account they shared. She invites him over, gives him Peach Schnapps laced with her father’s muscle relaxers, drives him to the Osteen Cemetary, and then he starts coming at her and waving his arms, so she freaks out and stabs him.
She took an ice pick from her backseat and plunged it into one of Sheaffer’s eyes. That didn’t keep him away though, she said, so she took a cord and strangled him.
Another “Wait, what?!” moment… She had an ice pick in her backseat? Yeah, that’s totally normal. I know I carry an ice pick with me at all times.
Not just that, the eyes. “She pierced him in the other eye moments after his last breath.” No. Just no.
She tried to claim self-defense, Florida’s Stand Your Ground… (I am SO sick of that damned law.)
I think the most amazing part of this entire story is that it did NOT go viral. How did this not end up plastered all over every news-ish talk show in America? It has everything. Murder, mayhem, plastic kiddie pools, boiled human flesh, the Stand Your Ground Law and another excuse to laugh at the state of Florida. And yet, it never made it to my Facebook feed.
By the way, I went to elementary school in Deltona. I can’t help but wonder, is this someone I knew at one point? Were we in Brownies together? Too bad my family moved when I was in seventh grade, or I could have bumped into her at a high school reunion…
Adding on 3/6/15: My link has apparently stopped working. Here is another: http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/breaking-news/os-woman-murder-cooked-body-parts-20141117-story.html
Yes, she was convicted: http://www.people.com/article/angela-stoldt-convicted-of-killing-and-cooking-neighbor
Unfortunately, the latest two links lack that whole “Broiled rat” part of the story.