Fat Pants and Food Fiction

I’m one of those people who has and will always struggle with weight issues.  I’m okay with that, generally – except when I start having pain and stiffness in joints from the stress of being “too fat.” Adam and I have a few running jokes about it… He is wild about me, I’m wild about him, but we’re both the chubbies in the room… I won’t get into any or all of the reasons why, but yeah, it’s there. The elephant in the room, so to speak, whatever.

One of our big jokes is the quest for fat pants.  There was one memorable trip to Walmart a couple of months ago when I was in search of comfortable “fat pants.” By fat pants, I mean something that is a little forgiving on those bloated time-of-month days, and yet still acceptable to wear to work. Think cotton jersey yoga pants that are looser than the normal yoga pants, and somehow don’t look like yoga pants when you pair them with professional tops or that clingy polyester polo shirt we wear to work. The reason things like this are a challenge is that I am not shaped like anything the fashion industry would ever acknowledge. I am short, first of all, and I carry most of my extra weight in the regions around my belly, butt and thighs.  The belly first became a problem when I had my firstborn child surgically removed in a gruesome story that may be shared in another post… (think “Braveheart”…) and even when I am “thinner,” I tend to have a bit of a pooch there.  At the moment, I am not thinner.

I didn’t have too much of a problem finding some “Petite extra large” pants in Wally World.  Yes, they still refer to extended sizes as “Petite” due to the length. So I’m currently set on my fat pants. And Adam informed me that I was getting some nasty looks from the women riding around on the electronic carts when they heard me talk about my need for fat pants, because it’s all relative, and I guess they must have thought I was taking pot shots at them or something.  I wasn’t. Everyone has their own struggle, and I would never make fun of someone for something like that, because I get it. It would kind of be like someone who is seeking out-patient psychiatric treatment going in and laughing at the people who are in the facility full time…

So, Adam is starting a new job that requires him to wear khaki colored pants. Problem? Traditional stores don’t carry khaki pants for someone of his size and shape. He carries most of his weight in his thighs, so something stretchy and wider in the leg will allow him to wear sizes that fit his waist, but with khakis, he has to go up MANY sizes and get something that is way too big in the waist. (Ultimately what we did online…) Then he has to buy a belt to keep the pants from falling off… It gets quite costly, actually. The stretchy drawstring type things he normally likes to wear don’t come in tan. Maybe they are afraid that in making them, they will create the masculine equivalent of the pants featured on this website… HELLO!  But they still sell plenty of tan “fat pants” for women.  Anyway, I’m starting to believe that khaki pants should never be a requirement for anything, because they are all too often an abomination.

Shopping for fat pants can be very depressing, so we took a little detour to the ice cream aisle. I know a few of you can relate… That is where we get to the second half of the title of today’s post. Because in my exhausted, “Can’t we just go home already” state of mind, I noticed this:

Minute Maid Juice Bars, 12 pack
Frozen Juice Bars! What’s not to love?!

We used to buy these when I was a kid. And hey, they’re healthy, right? Because they are made with 100% juice. Oh wait… Look again. There are asterisks next to the 100% juice. Wait, what?

Close up of 100% Juice
WITH 100% Juice**

Oh. Hey, wait, what? Is this kind of like the Stepmother in Cinderella telling her she can go to the ball *IF* she finishes all her work?

Close up of "With added ingredients"
“With added ingredients”

What added ingredients? Question of the hour.  Turns out, it doesn’t sound too bad…

Minute Maid label
How are all three flavors made from apple juice?

Here’s the thing… 100% juice should mean that is all that is in the entire bar, shouldn’t it? If you take the technicality of “with” 100% juice and apply it further, it means that anything that contains pure fruit juice can make that claim. A beverage could be composed of water, sugar, artificial flavors and colors, and all sorts of ungodly things, and then have an ounce of pure, 100% juice dumped in, and now, voila! it is “Made WITH 100% juice.” This is kind of like having Dorothy Hamill skate around the rink three times at the end of a two and a half hour painful Ice Capades show and billing the show as “With Dorothy Hamill!”

Dorothy Hamill on ice
We actually attended a show like this when I was little… The photo is copyrighted material from Sports Illustrated/Getty Images, found here. 

And people wonder why there are so many conspiracy theories out there. #trustissues

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